When I met my “baby daddy” he represented a real father to me. We didn’t have children together but each time we would make love for years on end he would tell me how much he wanted to get me pregnant. I remember the moment I first heard these words when we were in climax together. I remember feeling my Yoni deepen in trust for him. If you have read my book, you know that the deepest part of the Yoni is the heart chakra. Knowing he wanted to have a family with me opened my pussy and heart together at once and so I let him in deeper.
Orgasm is the most impressionable time during sex. You can really program someone during orgasm because they are so energetically wide open. That’s why I push Yoni Breathing so much because it is the healthiest way to consciously program your own intentions in your heart and womb. Although I knew this at the time I didn’t know I was being programmed. My “baby daddy” already had children of his own who were way older than me. Although I loved him madly, I never expected him to want to have more children and I never would have wanted children with someone who didn’t want the same.
I was in my early 20’s and this was my first long-term relationship. I was learning the magicalness of spirituality and sexuality, all in one. I felt so fortunate to be with him, I looked up to him as a god. I surrendered more of myself than I ever should have. In fact, this is why I am writing this article, to voice the years of pint up confusion I felt for being sexually hypnotized.
Although I got to live with my real father in Colombia for 6 months and he trained me in everything I know about Reiki and healing, our relationship was always estranged and emotionally distant – it still is today. The energy of a stable and strong man in a girl’s life is just so fortifying to her sense of self. So when I met my “baby daddy” he would say things like, “it turns me on that I’m your father” it would feed parts of me that I felt were void. In fact, I didn’t realize how much of a void the absence of my father created in me until it got filled up.
Years later, I realize my father-less void attracted him into my life. He would say how much it turned him on he was everything to me. It seemed like it gave him purpose to be a strong male in a young girl’s life. This is how the brainwashing began. I thought it was nourishing his spirit too, to be my father. I called him “baby daddy” melodiously like in a chant singing it around, just because. It just gave me so much life to know I had a father who loved me. I felt safe…I felt untouchable…I felt reassured that I had a strong sense of a support system. But, one day the brainwashing started going further.
You see, once you surrender your power and esteem to another person they know they have dominion over you. For example, after my besties would come over and hang out with me and my “baby daddy”, he would randomly insert lines to me during sex like, “you know you want to lick her pussy” when in reality I didn’t. In fact, I never considered myself sexually attracted to women until after hearing these lines daily during intercourse for years, I wanted to please him so I would go along with it even though it wasn’t how I felt inside. Not that there is anything wrong with sexual fluidity, but the difference is this was for his benefit, not mine.
What really started the red flags was his defiance that he healed my bulimia. He tried brainwashing this idea into me too saying he had complete credit for it. I just couldn’t accept this idea because it was really discrediting any personal power I had with my own healing. Once I started confronting him saying I healed my eating disorder through my own Yoni Breathing practice, which I did, he would actually get upset and throw a temper tantrum, like I was taking his power away. But this wasn’t enough for me to wake up and smell the coffee.
What made me realize all his lines during sex were a sham was the day his old time friend joined us for dinner. He told me that my “baby daddy” is never going to have a family with me, that he has no intentions of having a child or getting me pregnant. Believe it or not, I energetically anticipated this prolific moment before sitting down with them and I actually got nauseous and cried. I didn’t know why I felt this way but once I heard the news my life changed forever. He was no longer my trustworthy “baby daddy”. I swear that even his appearance to me started shape-shifting and he was growing unfamiliar to me. His smell changed, and I was no longer sexually charged towards him. I cried my eyes out for a very long time because the veil was being removed.
You see, the daily baby and pregnant talk made me sexually surrender to him like you cannot even imagine. I thought I was with my life partner and my life was set. It took me years to heal this disgusting, mental mistreatment. Although I was never pregnant I felt I went through the same stages of grief a woman trying to conceive but being infertile felt. I mourned the death of a baby that would visit me in my dreams and who looked just like my “baby daddy”. I would tell him how I was going to braid his hair like daddy and how he would be named after him. Again, I didn’t realize how much of my own personal power I gave away to be with this man.
The brainwashing did not stop there. We tried to work things out even though the trust was gone. We were driving back from DC where he gave a speech at the Washington Monument. He grabbed my phone from my hand – he was controlling to say the least – and in the midst, he actually hit my face, giving me a bloody nose. He immediately said, “that was your fault”. Although I was angry, I didn’t see it as abuse or brainwashing at the time, but it was.
If you feel like you are in a situation like this, then you must start developing your own personal power immediately. Personal power should be attractive to our partner, not threatening. If they have your best interest at heart, they want to know you are a strong person on your own and the strength of you both together is complimentary, not filling voids. This is called a co-dependent relationship and it is very dangerous to be 100% dependent on anyone.
Fortunately, I had started my own business at the time and had a very successful Yoni Breathing practice that has saved my life time and time again. Connecting to my life-portal (Yoni) gave me a power that I could never deny. I am blessed I have this spiritual practice that I have been using to de-program the lies that were fed to me for so many years. It has been the most painful thing to know that my “baby daddy” wasn’t a father or even a friend. He was all about his penis-pleasure. When we were breaking up I told him, “But you will always be my father” trying to hold on to this part of the relationship. He said, “I was your father and that season is over”.
So you see, brainwashing is real and it is dangerous. When you’re in it, you believe everything because the lies are holding together your void, and to confront the lies is to confront the void in yourself and this is so painful. But let me tell you something, it is the most empowering thing you can do, and YOU CAN DO IT. It may take time, tears, and therapy but you can do it because you are a Goddess and a Goddess is immensely powerful even if she is healing.
If you feel you are dealing with brainwashing and you want to de-program yourself. Watch my Yoni Breathing video about healing trauma in order to reframe the lies and let them go with peace and pleasure. Again, YOU CAN DO IT and you will do it because once you know the truth, it is harder to be in denial about it. Fill yourself up with these Yoni Breathing practices that allow your power to come from the Universe that you inhale down your crown chakra and conceive within your Yoni. Your Yoni makes you very powerful and you must learn how to use her power if you are to be strong on your own.