My man gave me a bloody nose and told me it was my fault

The criminal justice system is obviously corrupt. Look at the case of recent Felicity Huffman receiving only 14 days in jail after the college admission scandal, while according to The View’s legal commentator, Sunny Hostin a previous African American homeless woman used a false address for getting her child into kindergarten and received 5 years in jail for it.

 

Now we are seeing the Brent Kavanagh sexual assault allegations resurface with more allegations. It is VERY hard to come out and talk about sexual and physical violence, I know because I have kept quiet about it for nearly 4 years when my man gave me a bloody nose and told me it was my fault. As a women’s sexual empowerment advocate, I would not have any integrity to my voice if I did not speak about what I experienced with a prominent attorney of Baltimore, MD.

 

I moved across the country to restart my life because of the psychological, emotional, sexual, and psychical abuse I experienced from him.  Below you will see the letter I wrote with no help from anyone to a prosecutor at The Maryland Attorney Grievances Commission. His response to my letter was, “Based on an evaluation of the information provided, we have determined that the overall circumstances related to the subject matter of your complaint do not warrant an investigation”. 

 

As you will read, I was in therapy about this situation and asked my then therapist for support with this matter but it seemed like she was not eager to step in to help me, so ultimately I could not send her this letter below. As you will see as well, I have blocked out his name and his attorney’s name to honor the corrupt gag-order that I signed to keep his identity private. Today, knowing how much of a covert narcissist he is, I would not give him the pleasure of blasting his name publically anyway.

 

The saddest part about the injustice women experience at the hand of abusive, disproportionate power dynamics (ADPD) is that these types of outcries to authorities happen every day and based on my experience, they are not investigated to protect other potential victims.

 

For the record, The Attorney Grievances Commission requested I keep this matter private, but I do not believe how they handled this matter was to the benefit of other potential victims, and thus as a female advocate, I am making the matter public. Although I have kept his name private, I am not responsible for how other people interpret my letter and use it. May this letter inspire you to speak out against any ADPD you have or are experiencing.

 

RE: File No. 2019-XXXX

Complainant: Grace Díaz

Dear Mr. XXXX:

Thank you for the opportunity to respond to your correspondence regarding Mr. XXXX unethical conduct with me. It hurts me to have to submit this response of XXXX, as I knew him as a father-figure for six years. I read Mr. XXXX response regarding my serious allegations. I will indeed focus on page eight of his response, which discusses the incident when Mr. XXXX hit me in the face that caused me a bloody nose, in addition to highlighting other important factors that I believe reveal his intent of hitting me, and the overall nature of the relationship.

 

Some personal accounts it seems more appropriate for me to reference Mr. XXXX as “XXXX”, which is how I knew him during the scenarios I will be describing throughout this response. Mr. XXXX response regarding me attempting to grab the steering wheel and that I wanted him to pull over the vehicle to walk home is not my nature and is a completely false answer. I am shocked he lied to this extent in his response to you.

 

Before I address how his response is untrue, I would like to emphasize his overall tone in his response that arguably reflects an authoritarian and punitive style of conducting our relationship, which is arguably what lead him to feel entitled to strike me in the face. For example, the last line in his quoted response from page two shows that he undoubtedly and disproportionately had the power in the relationship:

 

“He told Ms. Diaz that he and TB had an understanding that he could have a quality relationship with a second woman of good character provided it would not interfere with TB’s relationship with Mr. XXXX…Ms. Diaz understood that if at any time Ms. Diaz did not honor this arrangement that Mr. XXXX would end the relationship”.

 

I intentionally never agreed to “this arrangement” mentioned in the quoted text, such as being silenced for his phone calls with his girlfriend (TB). He is well aware I repeatedly told him throughout our relationship that by me staying quiet when she would call was a detriment to my autonomy and desire to voice myself, in addition to that being a disrespect to our time. I detested being silenced and still do. During the course of our relationship I would honor what Mr. XXXX calls “this arrangement” not as an agreed upon arrangement with XXXX but for the sake of keeping peace with TB. Nonetheless, I should have never been scolded for what he deemed as breaching “this arrangement”.

 

It is my firm belief that Mr. XXXX felt entitled to strike me because he perceived my phone’s sudden noise as interfering with his relationship with his girlfriend since she more than likely heard it and believed him to be alone in the car. Therefore, the foundation of all my original allegations, including being hit in the car is an abusive, disproportionate power dynamic that I will reference as ADPD throughout my response.

 

As Mr. XXXX admitted in his response to you, he hit me with the intent of controlling and domineering my behavior causing me a bloody nose. Because his response, regarding why I was hit in the face is false, there was no need for him to strike me out of defense. His overall pattern of controlling my behavior and psychology has been the theme of the relationship that I will reference throughout my response to provide you a clear understanding of what lead up to him hitting me so comfortably.

 

Mr. XXXX ADPD with me has been extended to what I deem as the gag-order or “The Settlement Agreement” (“contract”) that was mailed to you with my original claims. I am not referring to the contract as the “agreement” (as noted in the contract) because that contract was signed under duress, and I do not believe it to be an authentic agreement between parties.

 

Ms. X, Mr. XXXX attorney at the time would not allow me to leave her office with a copy of the contract when I refused to sign it at that moment. I am under the impression that my request to read it and absorb it outside her office should have been permitted, but I believe Mr. XXXX and his attorneys do not want the contract to be revealed even if it was left unsigned because it is damaging to Mr. XXXX reputation.

 

I did later sign the contract but with no professional counsel. Since day one of negotiating the terms of the contract, my case has been denied by all attorneys and even laughed at by one. I am not sure why my case was responded to in this way regarding my true and serious allegations of Mr. XXXX. Arguably, it is because Mr. XXXX has an established influence in the Baltimore/Maryland community of attorneys. There is nothing inherently egregious with establishing such influence, but I believe that this influence is being used to disadvantage my claims of him. I still am seeking to renegotiate the terms of the contract to reflect the ADPD that I experienced at the hand of Mr. XXXX.

 

To summarize the starting of our relationship, Mr. XXXX was made aware I was living in a friend’s closet when meeting him on Saratoga Street in October 2010, in Baltimore where he strategically pulled over his car to offer me a fictitious interview the next day as a secretary that was conveniently canceled only after I arrived to his office where he then invited me to dinner for a later date.

 

Since the beginning of our relationship Mr. XXXX has groomed me to take the hit for him. At the time, I did not understand his tendencies as grooming techniques. His moto when traveling with him (weekly-to-monthly) was “you got to protect me” so he would not face any repercussions if caught traveling with marijuana or obtaining it, but I would, such as from the minors on the street in Atlanta. Because I was constantly groomed to take the hit for him, I did so in the literal sense by not reporting the incident on December 6, 2015, to protect him.

 

Regarding the coercion of marijuana use and obtaining it, the issue is not that I never smoked marijuana before but that he would coerce me regularly, and at times relentlessly to smoke it with him. I believe he wanted me high nearly all the time to practice what a former hypnotherapist calls, hypnotic suggestion (HS) to encourage an ADPD. After a few years in our relationship he started practicing hypnosis regularly on a close friend of mine. To my understanding, Mr. XXXX is not licensed and I am not sure if he ever collected money or exchange for these services.

 

In addition, Mr. XXXX kept a few books at “the apartment” as he called it. They were about pimping women, such as “Pimpology” and “Iceberg Slim, Pimp”. Mr. XXXX grooming strategies to protect himself extended to our sexual relationship when he would use HS and say I was his slave. Because I was twenty-two when first engaging in our relationship and he is forty-five years older, I did not understand the level of psychological grooming that was happening. I naively perceived his authoritarian and punitive style of conducting our relationship as a form of love and protection. Eight years later and as a thirty-year old and witness to the public culture’s high lightening of predatory schemes and behavior that have disenfranchised other women I know this type of conduct is completely wrong.

 

Further, it is my belief that Mr. XXXX introduced the contract because I started exercising my autonomy on a more regular basis and becoming a women’s empowerment leader in my community of Baltimore, MD, at the University of Maryland Baltimore County, and online. When exercising my autonomy by refusing to engage in a threesome with his new girlfriend “Q”, I soon after received a cease and desist letter. For the record, Mr. XXXX and I have never had a threesome, although he constantly attempted to coerce me to do this with him and various friends of mine.

 

Based on our relationship and the grooming tactics he practiced, it is arguable that Mr. XXXX intentionally seeks women who are disproportionately younger, less financially capable or influential, and perhaps even far removed from their families, in order to leverage concealing an ADPD. Therefore, I submit this response in the spirit of preventing his ADPD with other potential victims, as well.

 

In 2017, I started seeing Ms. X for therapy. However, in order to receive the therapy funds, I’d have to adhere to a three-year financial relationship with Mr. XXXX in the contract, which arguably was to exert a greater ADPD to leverage my silence of his behavior. For your reference, Ms. X was provided a confidential copy of this letter for her to provide a statement to you, if she believes that is best, regarding the allegations I have submitted that accord to our conversations during the therapy sessions.

 

I fervently argued against the three-year timeline in the contract specifically to break the tie of what I experienced as, ADPD. However, this contract has lead me to live in fear of speaking the truth of my experiences with him, and thus a deep despair of continuing to live, as I stated to Mr. XXXX via text message. I am not at harm to myself nor anyone else. I do not wish to ruin Mr. XXXX; I wish to experience justice for all the years of immense pain, suffrage, and what Ms. X explained to me as passive suicide that I have had to go through.

 

According to my therapy meetings with Ms. X, passive suicide is when there is no action to harm oneself. But such as for anorexics who neglect eating, according to Academy for Eating Disorders or AED, “up to 10% of women with anorexia nervosa may die due to anorexia-related causes” (aedweb.org). It is possible that the passive-suicide I experienced after the contract was to regain control of my autonomy from Mr. XXXX, as it is established knowledge that the underlying reason of all eating disorders is to regain control of one’s life and decisions through controlling their eating habits.

 

Ms. X provided me a therapy letter that is attached for my two emotional support dogs. For the record, I have an updated therapy letter now that I have attached for reference.

 

Although Mr. XXXX introduced the idea to me during sex, stating “I would love to get you pregnant” I would discuss the thrill of having a baby with him because I was still unaware of the ADPD. He would always follow with “that makes my dick hard” and pursue sexual relations for what now I see as, his sole benefit, with no regard to the damage he would be causing me. My dog Baby, was gotten to heal the idea that I would not have a baby with him.

 

You see, the complex and troublesome aspect of this relationship is that Mr. XXXX managed to represent a genuine father-figure to me. He proudly proclaimed himself regularly as my “daddy” and to several other mutual acquaintances over the years. Throughout our entire relationship he made it clear that the fatherhood he provided me was secure despite our relationship status. Coping with the distress of that incredible fictitious fatherhood story has been part of the reason I have been experiencing passive suicide too. Because my family still lives in Colombia, with the exception of my mother and one, out of my three siblings I was especially vulnerable to trusting his fatherhood and not understanding the ADPD strategy of his at the time.

 

I was living in his apartment, which I believe was his law firm’s apartment, for five years. When he used the idea of having a baby with me to exploit that vulnerability with me, although I made it specifically clear at the beginning of the relationship I was not expecting him to have babies again, in fact I thought our various conversations about the matter was in good faith that our relationship was finite and he would even introduce himself to my possible future husband. But that ended up being a completely false narrative. I pushed for that constantly with him, naively believing the relationship was of substance. I later discovered it was only for sex and I was to later be discarded – which is not the source or reason behind my allegations, as Mr. XXXX says. In fact, I have gone the extra mile to accommodate all of his fetishes, many coerced onto me constantly after being lead into dependency on him.

 

When I showed Mr. XXXX my bloody nose in the car, December 6, 2015, instead of saying “I did not mean to hit you” or “that was an accident”, he said angrily “it is your fault [that I smacked you] because your phone made noise”. According to Abuse and Relationships, “Blame is the foundation of domestic violence” (abuseandrelationships.org). This type of response is a classic strategy of those who practice ADPD to shift blame onto the victim to avoid liability, such as Mr. XXXX in this case. His response captures the veneer of blaming the victim for his actions. I believe Mr. XXXX thinks his ADPD tendencies are not abusive but a normal way of conducting his relationships, and this is perhaps because he may not have been addressed yet for them.

 

Interestingly, that day in the car on December 6, 2015, he unfortunately did manage to silence me, to strike me, and to manipulate me with brute force, but today I report this behavior to help break free of the ADPD that has been hurting me for many years.

 

I understand the role of the Attorney Grievances Commission does not include financial restitution to victims. Nonetheless, for the record, I have cooperated with Mr. XXXX and his attorneys to my own detriment. I told Mr. XXXX attorney, Ms. X about renegotiating the terms of the contract to include the recent credit damage issues and need of more therapy funds. I also wanted to negotiate more therapy funds as he has provided a year and a half worth of funds ($X per month) however it has been three years now, the contract’s timeline has expired and I am very apparently still suffering from the ADPD that I am experiencing surfacing through crafting my response.

 

For the record, Mr. XXXX has supported a small fraction through my schooling, although I wholeheartedly appreciated it at the time, I now realize it was a strategy to enforce a father-daughter relationship and dependency. I did not make many friends at school while dating Mr. XXXX because TB was attending at the time and she was known as his girlfriend. Also, XXXX made it clear our relationship was top secret and I could not discuss it at all with any teachers or anyone who might possibly know him. So the whole time his X case went viral online and in the Baltimore community I remained completely silent in my sociology classes when we would discuss current events and I just feel like I lost out from really taking advantage of my schooling opportunity by staying quiet to protect XXXX.

 

Even worst, Mr. XXXX intentionally interfered in my role as president of a women’s organization at UMBC called, Women Involved in Learning and Leadership. During the end of our relationship when we were breaking up he offered to speak at the college on behalf of the club. The gesture came off very generous, but I believe he planned to sabotage my ability to exercise my ability to work in a leadership role. He offered to provide me an introduction for me to say to the students and so I continued to call to request it. He ultimately never provided it and arrived over forty minutes late. His topic of choice that I promoted for him vigorously was, “The Men’s Role in the Women’s Movement”.

 

As documented on UMBC’s records he did not discuss this topic at all. In fact, he discussed how his father was a misogynistic and so he learned these traits from him. He discussed old terms that men use to shoot out to each other when speaking such as exactly quoted from XXXX describing his youthful vernacular, trying to crack a joke “You find them, you fuck them, and then you leave them”. His speech was discussed in our club meeting as disrespectful.

 

Also for the record, I have never extorted, nor have I indented to extort Mr. XXXX. When meeting Mr. XXXX in 2010, I did not know who he was. I have made it clear I do not wish him harm or have there be a scandal, however I am no longer responsible for protecting his false persona that he would pompously and misleadingly display as moral in his various meetings, lectures, speeches, that I would attend. As a women’s empowerment advocate, leader, and target of Mr. XXXX ADPD, I will continue to seek justice for my serious allegations.

 

Thank you again for your attention regarding this matter.

Sincerely,

Grace Díaz

 

4 thoughts on “My man gave me a bloody nose and told me it was my fault”

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience to empower women to take control of their lives. Abuse, manipulation and isolation come in many forms. The abuser I was married to did the kindest thing in our marriage…walked out on us, 6 week old baby & 8 year old son. Emptied the savings I had accumulated from my work and decided he was done with us. Be good to yourself, with healthy boundaries and avoid being isolated. Community & trusted women in our lives empower us to help ourselves & each other.

    • Thank you, Chelsea, for sharing your story. We are sorry this happened to you and your children. Thank you, also for your compassion and kindness in words.

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